Feeling tiny
Supposed to be studying but there I was again, getting distracted by the minutest thing like ” oh, I think I need to rearrange the books in the shelf …” -_-lll or “hmm…let’s see some interesting sites for ‘awhile’.”
Seriously, if I was my own boss, I would not hire myself! Talk about pure lazyness? or is it really something else?
Don’t know what’s up with me, but I like to over-analyse sometimes. Maybe it’s the philosophical side of me emerging..yada yada…Get the thought sometimes that you’re never good enough?
Like there’s always someone better than you in whatever you do? What do you do when these taughts creep into your head? Shove it down the corner or spitefully wish that the better person will someday or somehow utterly loose his or her talent, looks, brain, money etc.? Or worse, tell yourself that you should not try as hard as there’s no point after all. Why study so hard when you know that you are not going to be the best student of the cohort? Why try out a new hobby when you know that there’ll be someone who’s already a flourishing expert in it? Why practice the piano when you know that someone else is going to play much better than you? Why try to be a nice person when you know that there are plenty of other more compassionate and giving people? Why dress up when there are going to be better looking people around? Why try your hand at sports when there are much more dedicated sportsmen/women? WHY TRY AT ALL?
I guess my ‘determination’ or lack thereof stems from feeling tiny. Yeah, feeling oh so insignificant that whatever I do, there’s someone bound to be better than me. So why try so hard? Just breeze through, and spare me the heartache of coming in second or *gasp* last. And then, out of the blue while thinking in the shower (yes, great ideas do come out of the bathroom); I thought of how beautiful a plain flower would look like in a vast area of grass, but ugly and small, in the presence of a thousands others more outstanding than itself. Would you, as the plain flower cry out for others to pick you up? Or would you be so ashamed and just wished that someone would trample on you? Or would you cry out to God and ask Him to place you in a place where all others are worse off than you? I can just imagine this scenario:
“God, please place me in the midst of uglier, dumber, less talented, … people.”
And God says ” Why did you ask of such a thing? In my eyes, all of you are precious.”
I remember once when I drawed some ‘designs’ and showed them to my sister. Some were what you can call typically likeable stuff and some were just abstract (weird) stuff. When I showed it to her, one by one she pointed out the typically nicer designs and I can understand why she liked them. I waited for her to point out the ONE i spent quite a substantial of time on (was not typically likeable) but, she didn’t. After all comments have ceased, I asked her on her thoughts on that ONE and she said something to that effect ” Yerr, why so weird one? Like tahi (English = shit). ” *lol*
I don’t know why, but this happened a long time ago and I still remember it! I remembered feeling sorry for the design, even guilty for creating it ..like it was meant for mocking and sneering upon…like it has no value…like it was just an ugly thing that no one can look upon and admire…
And yet, for all it’s ugliness and awkwardness in the presence of other beautiful things, I favoured it, I actually liked it because it was MY idea in the first place! Who can stand in front of me and say that ” Eww..yucks, that is just so despicable!” ?
It’s the same with us isn’t it? We feel like that piece of tahi sometimes, that we are just insignificant creatures not meant to be on this earth. We even criticise others of their taste in clothes or lack of it, their brains, their wealth, their talents and yet we fail to realize, the Creator behind these people.
Coming back to the point on determination- yeah, we might not be THE best, THE greatest or Whatever…but we can certainly do OUR best and give back to Him, Whom has first thought of creating Us. He created ME! What more can I do than to TRY MY BEST? What more can I do than to strive to succeed in all that He has made me capable of doing? I feel tiny when I’m alone, and I feel BIG when I’m owned :)
